Caged Bird

A free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wing
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn bright lawn
and he names the sky his own

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.


Maya Angelou, “Caged Bird” from Shaker, Why Don’t You Sing? Copyright © 1983 by Maya Angelou. Used by permission of Random House, Inc.

Every way I turn

From every angle I have words coming at me. Some good, some bad. Some helpful, some useless. Why do I care?
Why does it bring me down?
I know what I’m doing, and I know why I do it. It’s my life and the more and more you bring it up the more and more I start to hate you.

you-can-just-breathe
lah-disputes:

This may get 2 notes this may get 1000. I don’t really mind, even if it helps one person i’m happy. I just want you to know that everything will be okay. I know you’re in a hard place right now where you think that maybe harming yourself or killing yourself is the only solution. But I promise you, there are other ways you can cope and there are reasons for you to stay on this earth. Self harming isn’t going to solve the problem/s nor will it make you feel any better. I know you get a sense of release/punishment but it’s not going to help in the long run. Remind yourself that every time you feel the urge to self-harm that it’s just a thought. You DO NOT have to act upon it. Self-harming will affect you emotionally, physically and mentally. It will only help for about 5 minutes. Then something else can happen to trigger the feeling again. Alternatives without harming yourself:
Holding/squeezing ice. 
Splashing your face with water. 
Getting a rubber band and snapping it against your skin (this could hurt, though it’s better than other ways that people usually choose to self-harm).
Take a hot shower or bath.
Eat something sour. It will take your mind of the urge. (Lemon, sour lollies) 
Massage where you want to self-harm.
Get a red pen or red paint and draw/paint over where you usually self-harm. 
Remind yourself as to why you shouldn’t do it. (Scars, harms organs, blood lose, leave memories etc…)
Describe what you are feeling. (Is the urge/pain in your chest, fists, legs, arms, head).
Killing yourself will not help. It is not a solution.For whatever reason you are thinking about killing yourself, it is temporary and you can get help. I know you probably think no one cares, you think you can’t handle the situation you are in or you feel helpless and alone. But I want to remind you everything is temporaryYou have your whole life ahead of you. You have so many more years that you can accomplish things in. For example; 
Having a family. 
Getting married.
To watch the sun rise. 
To watch the sun set.
To save someone else’s life.
Finish school.
Get your dream job.
To laugh.
To smile.
To go camping.
Travel to new places.
To wake up every morning to the person you love.
Friends.
Family.
To keep that promise you made.
To accomplish a goal.
To meet your idle.
To listen to new music.
Theme parks.
Video games.
Chocolate.
To be able to look back and say “I made it”.
Just a reminder; what you are going through is temporary. In case you need to hear this:
You are loved. 
You are wanted. 
You are needed.
You are beautiful.
You are handsome. 
You are important. 
You are not alone. 
You are okay. 
You are strong. 
You are worth it. 
You are smart. 
You are not a failure. 
You are useful. 
You are going to be okay. 
I’m always here for you. I’ll try my best to help and make you smile. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to know that you are not alone and there are people that can help. 

lah-disputes:

This may get 2 notes this may get 1000. I don’t really mind, even if it helps one person i’m happy. 

I just want you to know that everything will be okay. I know you’re in a hard place right now where you think that maybe harming yourself or killing yourself is the only solution. But I promise you, there are other ways you can cope and there are reasons for you to stay on this earth. 

Self harming isn’t going to solve the problem/s nor will it make you feel any better. I know you get a sense of release/punishment but it’s not going to help in the long run. 
Remind yourself that every time you feel the urge to self-harm that it’s just a thought. You DO NOT have to act upon it. 
Self-harming will affect you emotionally, physically and mentally. It will only help for about 5 minutes. Then something else can happen to trigger the feeling again. 

Alternatives without harming yourself:

  • Holding/squeezing ice. 
  • Splashing your face with water. 
  • Getting a rubber band and snapping it against your skin (this could hurt, though it’s better than other ways that people usually choose to self-harm).
  • Take a hot shower or bath.
  • Eat something sour. It will take your mind of the urge. (Lemon, sour lollies) 
  • Massage where you want to self-harm.
  • Get a red pen or red paint and draw/paint over where you usually self-harm. 
  • Remind yourself as to why you shouldn’t do it. (Scars, harms organs, blood lose, leave memories etc…)
  • Describe what you are feeling. (Is the urge/pain in your chest, fists, legs, arms, head).



Killing yourself will not help. It is not a solution.
For whatever reason you are thinking about killing yourself, it is temporary and you can get help. 
I know you probably think no one cares, you think you can’t handle the situation you are in or you feel helpless and alone. 
But I want to remind you everything is temporary
You have your whole life ahead of you. You have so many more years that you can accomplish things in. 
For example; 

  • Having a family. 
  • Getting married.
  • To watch the sun rise. 
  • To watch the sun set.
  • To save someone else’s life.
  • Finish school.
  • Get your dream job.
  • To laugh.
  • To smile.
  • To go camping.
  • Travel to new places.
  • To wake up every morning to the person you love.
  • Friends.
  • Family.
  • To keep that promise you made.
  • To accomplish a goal.
  • To meet your idle.
  • To listen to new music.
  • Theme parks.
  • Video games.
  • Chocolate.
  • To be able to look back and say “I made it”.

Just a reminder; what you are going through is temporary. 

In case you need to hear this:

  • You are loved. 
  • You are wanted. 
  • You are needed.
  • You are beautiful.
  • You are handsome. 
  • You are important. 
  • You are not alone. 
  • You are okay. 
  • You are strong. 
  • You are worth it. 
  • You are smart. 
  • You are not a failure. 
  • You are useful. 
  • You are going to be okay. 

I’m always here for you. I’ll try my best to help and make you smile. 
You deserve to be happy and you deserve to know that you are not alone and there are people that can help. 

I’m sorry

So earlier I was beating myself up because I didn’t get the whole tattoo. I felt like I had let you guys down since the big butterfly was for the 2 of you. And that made me depressed. Now I find out that it got messed up. The freaking quote. I’m so mad at myself for not checking the tattoo. I feel so stupid and I just want to cry. I really do. I’m super nauseous and I’m like blah.

I think it’s time I checked

So I think it’s time I check. Watching you today at the park made me realize how much I’m gonna miss. I haven’t seen him this happy in a while. The way you okay with him and talk to him made me remember why I really love you. Your tender touch. Your caring heart. The way you love. Best qualities in a father. Doubt the result will be in my favor, but hey one day. Today is not the best day for all of us to be at the park. I miss them so much…it’s not fair that we didn’t get to do this

Where did we go wrong, we used to be so strong

Last night a song came on and it was just perfect for what is going on. Where did we go wrong, we used to be so strong. I am a fuck up. That’s where it went wrong. No one wants to be with a broken girl…no one want to put up with it. I wasn’t doing what I needed to and I got angry with everything and fell into a depression. A serious depression. And yep…well fuck me. I’m so done. I really want to try again and I should have just fucking said yes so I could have proved it!

June 17th, 2012

2 years ago, I lost you. I lost you the day I was going to prove to your dad that you were growing inside me. Before that we were constantly fighting about you, the breakup, and other things. Those things aren’t important anymore. Those things didn’t mean anything after it saw you there. Still. Pink. Motionless. Tiny. Pregnancy test in hand, and crying on the floor. I text your dad to tell him that I lost you..then we fought about that too. I felt so alone and so betrayed. It was like he was too angry to care. Which was true he was. But oh well. Today I remember you. I know you are both up there looking down. You are my angels and I’m sure you’re having fun with your older brother. I miss you and wish I would have been able to hold you. You would’ve been talking and walking now, and to think that boggles my mind. Daddy and I are no longer together and I’m sorry for that. It’s my fault and there’s nothing I can do. I tried but it wasn’t enough to overcome this mental illness. I wish you were here because you’d just like up my world and make things better. I woke up with a smile, then it turned into a frown when I thought of you. Not because you are gone, but because I felt you in me again. I long for that feeling again. I love you my angels. Natalie Avia and Damien Joshua Gonzalez. One day I’ll be there with you and I can’t wait to see what you look like. That’s the thing that I hate about this all. I can’t put a face to a name. I can only imagine what you could’ve looked like. I really wish I didn’t lose my one physical connect to you..I’m so sorry I failed you three. I’m so sorry.