Words and thoughts

You know what pisses me off? When you are told one thing, and you do said thing and then you get shit for it. I used to hear the phrase “life isn’t fair,” and you know what it isn’t. Life is a real bitch and she like to fuck everything up. Recently I’ve been told that I have changed and that I stopped caring. It’s not that I stopped caring or that I’ve changed, it’s that when something that bugs me, makes me uncomfortable or sad, I approach it in a different manner. I no longer sit on it for hours or let it get to me. And to me that had made me strong. I’m not gonna apologize for the person I have “changed” into. I am still the same person, I’ve just learned when to invest time or step away from something. You can’t have the best of both world and you can try to make it work but it might not always work. All I know is that I’m figuring out my life and getting in straight, and I’m gonna make mistakes and learn from them. That’s that. It’s a process and I sure as hell hate and love my process. I can Identify things that bug me or make me uncomfortable. I’ve learned to say no to those. Something I didn’t have the strength to do. But I do now. Because I’m don’t letting people push me around and it’s the best thing I’ve done so far. I have become a stronger person and I will NOT apologize for it.

Coming Home

I stopped thinking about you coming home
The thought was starting to kill me
Yet things you do make me feel you’ll come home soon, and everything will be okay
But then I remember that it’s just a feeling,
A hope,
A dream,
An illusion to this reality.

It’s been a while that I’ve been waiting for you to come home
And every time I think I’m going to get you back
Reality sinks is, and My heart dies a little more
But how much longer do I wait?
A year?
A month?
A week?
A day?

Will you ever find your way back home, to help make my childhood dream come true?

Exhaustion

My body is beginning to shut down.
In a paralyzed state when I wake up.
No clue where I am or who I am when I wake up.
My body fights for sleep left and right, yet when I go to lay down early, my mind seems to pace
The nightmares are back and the anxiety has worsened.
I’m losing it all.
Or did that ready happen?

Writing

I’ve always been bad with words, and writing has always given me the power to say what I want even when I can’t vocally express it. Everything just comes out and it just doesn’t stop and I don’t know why I stopped writing. Why I stopped posting on the blog. My I tricked myself into thinking I didn’t need to express myself, I don’t know to be honest but I’m back, and I’m staying. I am going to post what I want, about who I want, and about how I feel. And to the person who might be seeing this, I am sorry that I can’t come to you face to face, and that I can’t just tell you instead of you reading it here. Right now, this is the easiest place for me to say what’s going on. It’s a general place to vent to share, I don’t even care if anyone is listening but I’m here and I’m staying.